December 31, 2007

December 19, 2007

Top 3 Things About "We Are the World"

3) The first five seconds of the song when you realize... "Hey! We Are the World is on!"

2) Cyndi Lauper's "yeah yeah yeah yeaaaah"

1) Stevie Wonder's key changes and sweet rhythms; unlike anyone else's musical improv in the song.


Happy Worms

     The inventor of a worm-driven composting toilet in New Zealand had to prove the worms were not traumatised or stressed by their task before council bureaucrats would approve the system.

Coll Bell, who invented the "wormorator" as an alternative to septic tanks, was told by an Auckland Regional Council staff member to get an expert's report on the psychological impact on the worms after she became concerned during a site visit.

"She felt that the worms were being unfairly treated, being expected to deal with human faeces, and that it could affect them in a psychological way," says Bell. "I said, `Well, what do I do about that?' and she said `you have to have someone with the necessary qualifications to say the worms are happy'."

The ARC was satisfied after vermiculture consultant Patricia Naidu reported the worms were in excellent health and breeding happily.

...this continues in the next post about other animal activist bullshit...

Activists are Lame

     It's a scene that brings laughter and cheers from visitors to a Japanese aquarium - two white beluga whales wearing Santa hats.

The beluga whales have been fitted out with the cute Santa hats to entertain the crowds at the Hakkeijima Sea Paradise on Yokohama Island.

But environmentalists are saddened by the sight of what they say is the final humiliation for the whale and Greenpeace has labelled the performance as "unfortunate."


November 15, 2007

The World is Such a Wonderful Place

     Finally! I got to see "Band of Horses." Since I've purchased their debut album almost 18 months ago, I've missed them live three times. Not this time. If I had to go alone, I was going to see them. Brad and Pauly joined the debauchery and it was a grand ol' time. Great set and they played all their greats (although truthfully every song on both albums are fabulous).

Shout out goes to the chick in the red shirt with the red scarf standing right in front of me. Long black hair and black glasses. I have NEVER smelled anything so intoxicating. Seriously... you made the show. You have my card. I am yours. Write to me.

To the BOH: great show. I'll see you next time you're in town.


November 10, 2007

Pet Peve of the Day Vol XII

     Kitchen sinks with no hand soap. Why in the name of Khan Singh would I want to wash my hands with Dawn or Sunrise dish detergent or whatever? Why can't you have some normal Dial or Dove? Something that is for hands, not plates. Thanks.


November 08, 2007

Latest Purchase

     A sweet 32x24 poster of Butch and Sundance:

     Once I get this puppy framed it's gonna look pretty rad.


November 07, 2007

Dear Burnsville,

     Thanks for raising my rent in order to pay for more teachers and facilities even though enrollment is decreasing. 64,000 of us in the community and barely 12,000 showed up to vote. Thanks, dill holes.




October 11, 2007

Cease to Begin

     Bought my first physical CD today that I have bought in... 3 years? Maybe 4. Since I discovered illegal downloading and iTunes, I've had no need to spend extra money on a disc that will sit on a shelf and never be touched. that changed today when I decided to purchase the sophmore effort to my favorite band of 2006, "Band of Horses."

The new record is called "Cease to Begin." Actually I did download a pirated copy some months back, but now that it is available for purchase, I am making up for it by contributing a few of my hard earned dollars to purchase their art and support them for real. I already have tickets to their show in November as well.

In a related story, Radiohead is allowing fans to download their newest album, "In Rainbows," from their website for whatever price they see fit - free if you have no ethics (or hate the album). I'll probably chip in a few buck to get this eventually.

October 06, 2007

What is it with Blogs?

     Why is every web site out there now a blog? No offense, but learn some HTML and create something new and different. I realize blogs are easy and you can have your own personal little diary or whatever and I think that's great. But as I look around at some major companies and information sites, all they are is blogs blogs blogs. A bunch of news related posts that I have to scroll through or search to get the info I need.

     This is lame people. Make a site that is all your own if you're trying to sell something or get information to people in a quick and easy fasion. I put a lot of effort in to my site and when I see some yahoo just copying and pasting stories into his blog and claiming he's a "web master" does nothing but piss me off.

     Here's an example of one such site that actually takes itself seriously and is a true web site; not some trendy blog. It's a groovy site about movies:


October 04, 2007

Pet Peave of the Day Vol. XI

     Caller ringback tones. No one wants to listen to your crappy music while trying to call you. It sounds like I'm on hold for a drug dealer with a distorted, mono verison of the latest Chingy "song" blasting in my ear.


September 24, 2007

Combat Experience

     This past weekend was my first leg of training for military deployment or possible zombie outbreak - i.e. I went paintballing. This has got to be one of the most fun things I've ever done. All the years of army I played in my back woods as a kid growing up finally paid off.

     This was exactly the same as back in the day, except the bullets actually hit you in this version and they can sometimes hurt like a bitch. Also, my childhood back yard isn't nearly as cool as this place is. I didn't have bunkers and bridges and beaches and damaged fencelines and sandbag walls and foxholes and motor boats and lookout towers and haystacks and active camo and flowing ravines and again, bullets that can break the skin if you're not properly protected.

     I can't say enough about this fun time, so I'll let the pictures do the talking...

     I did find out though that there are some muscles in my legs that don't like doing what I did to them for 4 hours. Other consequences include 4 welts on various parts of my body, major scratches on my shins from crawling on my belly through rough terrain and some sort of spotty rash on my forearm from the Vietnam style foilage I crawled through.

     Can't wait to try this again once I've healed up. Maybe this winter with some white camo. WOLVERINES!

September 19, 2007

A Blue Star Member

     I just received my blue star from ebay. This makes me especially cool. Probably cooler than you. According to ebay, "this tells other eBay users that I know the ropes, and I'm an established member of the eBay community!" Furthermore, "ebay wants me to know how much they value me as a member of the eBay community. I am their foundation. My success is their success."

September 16, 2007

Locke Wins Emmy

     Actor Terry O'Quinn has taken home an Emmy for his portrayal of my favorite character from "Lost," John Locke. Outstanding performance by a supporting actor in a drama series. Outstanding is right.


September 12, 2007

Pet Peve of the Day Vol X

     Corporate lawn sprinklers. Damn these things piss me off.

1. They're usually aiming at the road or parking lot; not the grass.
2. If they are at the lawn, it's usually just one long stream of water shooting into one location for hours on end.
3. They usually come on just after (or during) a 3 inch downpour.

     What a frakkin' waste. Hire a greenskeeper or turn your sprinklers on manually during a dry spell and make sure they work at least half correctly.


September 11, 2007

I Didn't Forget

     An article at Yahoo! news was sent to me by a friend today and proves I'm still in the sane majority.

-- Eighty-one percent of those surveyed said they see the attacks as the most significant historical event of their lifetimes

-- 61 percent of respondents saying they think of the events at least once a week

-- 91 percent said they believe the United States will be attacked again on US soil

-- Sixteen percent said they had personally visited the site of the World Trade Center in New York City to pay tribute

I won't forget next year either. Or the year after that or the year after that or...


Life is Constantly Getting More Exciting

     Check out my new pasta jars:

click for hi-res


September 10, 2007

I Yam What I Yam

     I just finished my match test. Here's what it says I am:

The Boy Next Door:
Random Gentle Love Dreamer (RGLD)

Kind, yearning, playful, you are The Boy Next Door. You're looking for real Love, a lot like girls do. It might not be manly, but it's sweet.

We think the next three years will be very exciting and fruitful ones for you. Your spontaneous, creative side makes you a charming date, and we think you have a horny side just waiting to shine. Or glisten, rather. You enter new relationships unusually hopeful, and the first moments are especially glorious. If you've had some things not work out before, so what.

On paper, most girls would name the Boy Next Door as their ideal mate. In the real world, however, you're often passed over for more dangerous or masculine men. You're the typical "nice guy:" without just a touch of cockiness, you're doomed with girls. A shoulder to cry on? Okay, sure. But never a penis to hold.

More than any other type, Boys Next Door evolve as they get older. As we said, many find true love, but some fail miserably in the search. These tarnished few grow up to be The Men Next Door, who are creepy as hell, offering backrubs to kids and what not.

     I've always though chicks pass me up for the asshole. Too bad they don't know what they're missing.


September 06, 2007

Pet Peave of the Day Vol. IX

     Cops or State Patrol cars parked on the side of the interstate that do nothing but back up traffic for miles.


Halo 3: Zanzibar (beta) Leak

     For the most part, I'm pretty much over video games, but Halo is still a game that gets me excited. Here's a new BETA testing video of level Zanzibar. The same, only... not.


September 05, 2007

Will it Blend?

     I was going to write about my labor day weekend tractor driving experience, but I'm at work and don't have time to elaborate and resize pictures, etc. So I'll save that for another day (soon).

     Instead, here's a series of videos on YouTube, begging the question, "Will it blend?" An official looking, laboratory guy puts different things (iPods, rakes, hockey pucks, BIC lighters, happy meals, etc) into a blender to see what happens. The happy, serene, almost psychotic look on his face during blending might be the best parts of these clips.

     An example is below, but you can see the entire library of "Will it Blend" videos over at this special YouTube link.

My personal favorite: Transformers


September 04, 2007

Tuesday's Realization

     Since all three pairs of shoes I bought last week seem to be looser on the right foot, I decided today that my left foot is a half size larger than my right.

August 31, 2007

Stop Ashley, Stop!


Open Letter to MNDOT

     Good morning! I was just curious which one of you genius' came up with the great idea to close 35W southbound to just one lane just as the Vikings game was letting out. Way to plan ahead. This must be the same group of crack scientists that decided to spend $478 million in federal transportation earmarks on mass transit and bike trails and not deficient bridges... oops.


Here was the actual email I sent to MN DOT, word for word:

SUBJECT: Anyone Home?
"Just curious whose bright idea it was to wait until just after the Vikings game ended to close 35W southbound down to one lane? An entire metrodome full of people trying to get home at 11:30 at night and you close two lanes on the largest freeway in MN? I thought that was prety poor planning."


"Yeah, we are home. How about you? We generally do not plan lane closures to conicide with major events...and we didn't last night either. Apparently the Viking's fans who travel south of the Metrodome aren't very good drivers. The lane closures were for stalls and accidents. Next time try to send a civil e-mail.

-Kent Bernard"

     This is complete BULLSHIT! Was there maybe stall or an accident? Possibly, but I didn't see it; and even if I had, that DOES NOT warrant closing two of three lanes of a major thoroughfare for at least 6 miles. And if it was a simple stall out or accident, why were there several large "construction" trucks with flashing yellow lights and city workers all over the place? I actually passed by the truck driver moving cones from one lane to the other. Funny, I didn't see one police officer near these so called accidents. I'll respond with this and see what they say.


"I don't think my email was uncivil. A little snarky, yes, but not uncivil.

But still, even if what you say is the case, MNDOT now calls upon several large construction vehicles moving cones to close off two lanes of traffic for miles because a couple of cars stalled out? When did this procedure start happening? I actually watched the guys in a giant truck swerving from lane to lane, to move the cones from two lanes down to one; meanwhile, traffic is at a virtual standstill for miles. It just seems to me that they could've waited 30 minutes until most of the congestion had cleared before making a nightmare for travelers (espeically those of us not at the game), when they know a Vikings game is just letting out.


Let's see what Kent says. Stay tuned...


"I am going to do a little more checking because everyone I spoke to said there was not construction activity last night on southbound I-35W south of downtown Minneapolis. Although I wouldn't put it past the contractor to do something without checking. Most highway construction projects in Minnesota are done by contractors with Mn/DOT oversight...and they occassionally do things that we do not know about or wouldn't approve of. If they did, I agree that it was poor planning, but it was not Mn/DOT."


"Thanks for the response and have a great labor day weekend!"


August 30, 2007

Pet Peave of the Day Vol. VIII

     Profiles set to private on myspace.

August 29, 2007

Passport Troubles

     Well, I applied for a passport today to allow me to travel to the big state to the north: Canada; Toronto specifically. I was worried that I'd have to pay double to get expedited service and make sure I had my passport in time to fly to Toronto in October. That is, until Norm Coleman sent me this letter yesterday; completely out of the blue:

"Some of you are probably familiar with the new passport requirements for air travel to Canada, Mexico and the Caribbean under the Western Hemisphere Travel Initiative (WHTI). This requirement...led to a record backlog in the passport processing; ruining travel plans for some and threatening the plans of thousands. This is simply unacceptable to me, and I have fought to address the current problems, assisting over 2500 Minnesotans who were in jeopardy of losing thousands of dollars and precious family time.

The government... has temporarily suspended the passport requirements for air travel, allowing folks who have applied but not yet received their passport to travel using a photo ID and their passport receipt."

     So according to this I could get on the plane today and not worry about getting back home. On top of this, despite the rumors I've heard to the contrary, the guy at the passport office is confident I'll have the passport in time anyway. We shall see, we shall see.

This Year's Super Bowl Halftime Show


August 23, 2007

Can Openers

     Been meaning to tell you guys this for a while. If your mom (or anyone else) tells you to buy a swing-a-way brand can opener. Listen to them! You may think kitchen-aid is the brand to beat, but it's not. Swing-a-way is the brand you want. TRUST ME.

August 10, 2007

Got My Crowes Tix

     Special thanks to Wagner Foods in New Richland for hooking me up with Black Crowes tickets. State Theater. Loge seats. What are lodge seats you ask? Does this ring any bells?

August 06, 2007

Another Note to Self

     You're too old and out of shape to water ski. Don't do that again.

August 02, 2007

Thanks Guys

     Just wanted to say thanks to all you out-of-towners (and out-of-country-ers) who took the time to email or voice chat with me last night to make sure me and mine were OK; what with the crisis in Minneapolis last night. That was really cool and I appreciate you thinking about me. Some of you I've never even met in person! Crazy. Thanks again for your thoughts and checking in on me. I appreciate it.

     But as far as I know. All my friends and family are safe. Thanks again; it's very heart warming.


August 01, 2007

Go Celtics!

     For obvious reasons.

Might as well just give them ring right now.

Red Band Trailers

     I don't know if you know what red band trailers are or not, but basically they are this: you know how every trailer you see in most films starts with the big green signage that states "the following preview has been approved for all audiences...."? Well, a red band trailer is the same thing, only the big green sign is in red and it states that the following trailer is rated R. There're also yellow band trailers, but let's not confuse things.

Bear with me; I'm coming to a point here...

     Anyway, one of my more anticipated films of the second half of 2007 is called "Shoot em Up." It's an over the top action movie (in the vein of Crank, which was very fun indeed) and stars my favorite current actor, Paul Giamatti, in the lead antagonist role. Also involved is the always fantastic Clive Owen and the stunningly gorgeous Monica Belucci.

I'm getting somewhere here. Believe me, you'll like this.

     So anyway, these red band trailers are all over the net, but the key is, because the MPAA is a bunch of panty wastes, you can't see these trailers (legally) unless you A) live in the U.S. and B) are over 17 years of age. To verify this info, the trailer pages (again, the legal ones) ask you to put in your name, birthdate and zip code exactly as it appears on your drivers license. If you live outside of the country or don't want to give some random site all your info, here is the way around this:

Name: George Bush
DOB: 07/06/46
Zip: 20500

or if you hate W so much you can't even type his name, this is even more fun:

Name: Daniel Glickman
DOB: 11/24/44
Zip: 20016

If you don't know, Glickman is the chairman of the MPAA.

Thanks to "/film" for all the helpful advice:
     "The information above was gathered using simple wikipedia and google maps search. Yes, 20500 is the zip code for the White House. And we found only one Glickman registered near the MPAA’s Washington DC office - an R Glickman. Wikipedia lists Daniel’s middle name as Robert (or is it his real first name?). We decided to give it a try, and guess what - it worked. Yes, that’s right - the tool that is supposed to detour kids from hearing naughty words in movie advertising can now be used by hackers and web creeps around the world to reverse engineer private address information (luckily Glickman is a public figure and doesn’t qualify). Good job MPAA! Keep up the great work!"

     So now, with all this info in mind, check out this ass-kicking, Motley Crue rocking, Paul Giamatti starring, off the hook action flick's Red Band trailer. And to make it more fun, I hope you are only 13 years old...

     Just click on this link and then when the page loads, click on the little red link near the bottom of the page marked "view age restricted content" -

July 29, 2007

OFC Top 100

     The Online Film Community released their top 100 films of all time today. Here is the list. If you'd like more info on how the list was put together and who the voters were, you can go HERE.

100 Nosferatu (Murnau, 1922)
99 Cinema Paradiso (Tornatore, 1988)
98 On the Waterfront (Kazan, 1954)
97 Blue Velvet (Lynch, 1986)
96 Reservoir Dogs (Tarantino, 1992)
95 His Girl Friday (Hawks, 1940)
94 Lord of the Rings, The: The Return of the King (Jackson, 2003)
93 Toy Story (Lasseter, 1995)
92 Notorious (Hitchcock, 1946)
91 400 Blows, The (Truffaut, 1959)
90 Ghostbusters (Reitman, 1984)

89 8 ½ (Fellini, 1963)
88 Aguirre, the Wrath of God (Herzog, 1972)
87 Leon (Besson, 1994)
86 Touch of Evil (Welles, 1958)
85 Modern Times (Chaplin, 1936)
84 Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (Capra, 1939)
83 To Kill a Mockingbird (Mulligan, 1962)
82 Manchurian Candidate, The (Frankenheimer, 1962)
81 Terminator 2: Judgment Day (Cameron, 1992)

80 North by Northwest (Hitchcock, 1959)
79 King Kong (Cooper/Shoedsack, 1933)
78 Manhattan (Allen, 1979)
77 Ed Wood (Burton, 1994)
76 American History X (Kaye, 1998)
75 Maltese Falcon, The (Huston, 1941)
74 Groundhog Day (Ramis, 1993)
73 Conversation, The (Coppola, 1974)
72 Bicycle Thief, The (De Sica, 1948)
71 Graduate, The (Nichols, 1967)

70 Network (Lumet, 1976)
69 Halloween (Carpenter, 1978)
68 Rules of the Game, The (Renoir, 1939)
67 Do the Right Thing (S Lee, 1989)
66 Heat (Mann, 1995)
65 Lord of the Rings, The: The Fellowship of the Ring (Jackson, 2001)
64 Aliens (Cameron, 1986)
63 Silence of the Lambs, The (Demme, 1991)
62 Incredibles, The (Bird, 2004)
61 A Clockwork Orange (Kubrick, 1971)

60 Apartment, The (Wilder, 1960)
59 General, The (Keaton/Bruckman, 1927)
58 Passion of Joan of Arc, The (Dreyer, 1928)
57 Unforgiven (Eastwood, 1992)
56 L.A. Confidential (Hanson, 1997)
55 12 Angry Men (Lumet, 1957)
54 Shining, The (Kubrick, 1980)
53 M (Lang, 1931)
52 Memento (Nolan, 2000)
51 Bridge on River Kwai, The (Lean, 1957)

50 Double Indemnity (Wilder, 1944)
49 Big Lebowski, The (J. Coen, 1998)
48 Sunset Blvd. (Wilder, 1950)
47 This is Spinal Tap (Reiner, 1984)
46 Run Lola Run (Tykwer, 1998)
45 Goodfellas (Scorsese, 1990)
44 E.T. (Spielberg, 1982)
43 Singin’ in the Rain (Donen/Kelly, 1952)
42 Searchers, The (Ford, 1956)
41 Good, the Bad and the Ugly, The (Leone, 1966)

40 Raging Bull (Scorsese, 1980)
39 Once Upon a Time in the West (Leone, 1968)
38 One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (Forman, 1975)
37 Princess Bride, The (Reiner, 1987)
36 Usual Suspects, The (Singer, 1995)
35 Monty Python and the Holy Grail (Gilliam/Jones, 1975)
34 Fight Club (Fincher, 1999)
33 Brazil (Gilliam, 1985)
32 Annie Hall (W. Allen, 1977)
31 Back to the Future (Zemeckis, 1985

30 Die Hard (McTiernan, 1988)
29 Third Man, The (Reed, 1949)
28 Matrix, The (Wachowski/Wachowski, 1999)
27 Wizard of Oz, The (Fleming, 1939)
26 Schindler’s List (Spielberg, 1993)
25 Eternal Sunshine of theSpotless Mind (Gondry, 2004)
24 Lawrence of Arabia (Lean, 1962)
23 Fargo (Joel and Ethan Coen, 1996)
22 It’s a Wonderful Life (Capra, 1946)
21 Apocalypse Now (Coppola, (1979)

20 Seven Samurai (Kurosawa, 1954)
19 Vertigo (Hitchcock, 1958)
18 Psycho (Hitchcock, 1960)
17 Rear Window (Hitchcock, 1954)
16 Shawshank Redemption, The (Darabont, 1994)
15 Taxi Driver (Scorsese, 1976)
14 2001: A Space Odyssey (Kubrick, 1968)
13 Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope (Lucas, 1977)
12 Chinatown (Polanski, 1974)
11 Pulp Fiction (Tarantino, 1994)

10 Alien (R. Scott, 1979)
9 Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back (Kershner, 1980)
8 Godfather Part II, The (Coppola, 1974)
7 Jaws (Spielberg, 1975)
6 Blade Runner (R. Scott, 1982)
5 Casablanca (Curtiz, 1942)
4 Raiders of the Lost Ark (Spielberg, 1981)
3 Dr. Strangelove or: How ILearned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (Kubrick, 1964)
2 Citizen Kane (Welles, 1941)
1 Godfather, The (Coppola, 1972)


July 26, 2007

Feeling Generous?

     Since my birthday is coming up, thought you strangers who don't know me might like to be in the mood to give me something for all the years of pleasurable reading you gain through this blog. Well, here it is. "Blade Runner: Final Cut"; an ultimate 5-Disc Super collector's edition DVD:

click for larger image...

Here are the specs for this outrageously awesome gift set:

-Spectacularly restored and remastered from original elements and scanned at 4K resolution.
- Collectible “Deckard Briefcase” packaging.
- Commentary by Ridley Scott
- Commentary by Executive Producer/ Co-Screenwriter Hampton Fancher and Co-Screenwriter David Peoples; Producer Michael Deely and production executive Katherine Haber
- Commentaries by visual futurist Syd Mead; production designer Lawrence G. Paull, art director David L. Snyder and special photographic effects supervisors Douglas Trumbull, Richard Yuricich and David Dryer.
- A feature length documentary revealing all the elements that shaped this hugely influential cinema landmark.
- Three additional versions of the film (1982 Theatrical Version, 1982 International Version, 1992 Directors Cut).
- An “Enhancement Archive” bonus disc of enhanced content.
- The Electric Dreamer: Remembering Philip K. Dick featurette,
- A Sacrificial Sheep: The Novel vs. The Film featurette.
- Philip K. Dick: The Blade Runner Interviews (Audio)
- A "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep" Cover Gallery, image galleries
- Featurettes on graphic design and wardrobe and styling
- Screen Tests: Rachel & Pris
- The Light That Burns: Remembering Jordan Cronenweth featurette.
- A Unit Photography Gallery, Deleted & Alternate Scenes, a 1982 Promotional Featurette, trailers and TV spots, a Promoting Dystopia: Rendering the Poster Art feature, a Marketing & Merchandise Gallery, a Deck-A-Rep: The True Nature of Rick Deckard featurette, and a Nexus Generation: Fans & Filmmakers featurette.

Now, besides all this, exclusively to the 5-disc Ultimate Edition:
-T he ultra-rare, near-legendary Workprint version of the film, newly remastered.
- Commentary by Paul M. Sammon, author of Future Noir: The Making of Blade Runner
- All Our Variant Futures: From Workprint to Final Cut featurette.
- A unique 5-disc digi-package with handle which is a stylish version of Rick Deckard's own briefcase, in addition each briefcase will be individually numbered and in limited supply.
- Included is a lenticular motion film clip from the original feature, miniature origami unicorn figurine, miniature replica spinner car, some collector's photographs
- A signed personal letter from Sir Ridley Scott.
- Simultaneous HD DVD and Blu-Ray versions of the “Deckard Briefcase” will also be released in numbered, limited quantities. HD DVD and Blu-Ray 5-Disc Digi Packs with collectible slipcase will include all of the UCE content.


July 22, 2007

Pet Peave of the Day Vol VII

     Any store that is out of stock of something that they should not be. Yeah, I'm looking at you Menard's. And I wasn't looking for the crappy Harry Potter book. I'm talking about a $.50 screen for my water faucet. Oh yeah, Home Depot was out too. They tried to trick me into buying the whole kit for $2.99, but I'm not playing that fuckin game.

July 16, 2007

Technology Continues to Amaze

     While working on The OFC's Top 100 Films list, my friend (who lives in Chicago) and I have to enter in buttloads of data into a spreadsheet. Our original plan was to split up the duty, I'll enter half the data at my end, he'd enter his half and then we'd fuse the two documents together piece by piece (which would've taken just as much time it took us to enter the data in the first place).

     Anyway, he sends me the Excel spreadsheet to my email so I can get to work on it (I use Gmail - i.e. Google Mail). I don't have Microsoft Office on my computer at home, so I was going to wait til I got to work to open the attachment. WELL... gmail offers the option to open the file with "Google documents." I click it to see what it's all about and come to find that it is amazing!

     The document opens in an online file. Nothing is saved on my hard drive; it is all floating there in cyber-space. The cool thing is both J and myself can work on the file at the same time and see each other's changes in real time! It is brilliant. Not only that, but we can invite more people to help on the project if we wanted to AND invite people to just look at the document (but not be able to alter it).

     This is going to cut our time on the project in half. It's fan-friggin-tastic.

July 14, 2007

This Blog is Rated PG

     After surfing a bit this evening in preparation for my little project with The OFC Top 100, I got distracted by interesting looking stories and links and have come to find a site that knows the rating of every blog out there. According to them...

Here is the criteria they give as to why I'm rated PG...
"This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:
poop (2x) assholes (1x)"

     Now while I'm sure this may be accurate in the last few months, I know for a fact that if you check the archives for this blog, there are more than a couple F-bombs (which by the MPAA would make this an "R" rated blog after two F-bombs) and some other profanities.

     Oh well, I can live with PG. It gives me a higher readership and keeps me within the blogger "ring" of blogs that are connected.

July 13, 2007

Happy Birthday to My Childhood Hero

     Indiana Solo Kimble turns 65 today. More proof that not only is he getting older, but so am I. Happy birthday Harrison and thanks for entertaining us for the last 40 years. I'm looking forward to Indy IV next year. Here's hoping.

Halo 3


July 09, 2007


     Even if I can't spell the title of this post correctly, I am one. I've started selling t-shirts at They're incredibly lame and WAY too expensive, but help me not get evicted by buying one today. The one with the face on it is my friend Scott. He's damn excited to have a shirt with his likeness on it.

Monday is Looking Up

     There's not much to look forward to on a Monday morning. But when you've got your mom's leftover Rice Pudding (yes, it deserves capital letters) for lunch, things start to look a little more chipper. And no, you can't have any.

Frantic Movie Addict

     With my nominations due this week for the OFC Top 100 Films of all time project, I'm frantically trying to see about six films I've never seen that might need to be included in my nominations. They include:

12 Angry Men
Broadcast News
The Bicycle Thief
The Apartment

     I should have them all finished by Sunday, which is the deadline for nominations.

     Before this, I finished off North by Northwest (great movie BTW) and Soylent Green. I doubt I'll nominate the latter, but most certainly the former. I'll post my noms here once they're done and the final list of the entire Online Film Community (OFC) when the scores have been tallied.

July 02, 2007

Man Destroys Peacock Vampire

from the AP
     A peacock that roamed into a fast-food restaurant parking lot was attacked by man who vilified the bird as a vampire, animal-control authorities said.

     Beaten so fiercely that most of his tail feathers fell out, the bird was euthanized, said Richard Gentles, a spokesman for the city's Center for Animal Care and Control.
"It's just unbelievable that someone would do something to a poor, defenseless animal and do it in such a cruel fashion," he said.

     The peacock, a male several years old, wandered into a Staten Island Burger King parking lot and perched on a car hood Thursday morning. Charmed employees had been feeding him bread when the man appeared.

     He seized the iridescent bird by the neck, hurled it to the ground and started kicking and stomping the creature, said worker Felicia Finnegan, 19.

     "He was going crazy," she said.

     Asked what he was doing, she said, the attacker explained, "'I'm killing a vampire!"'

     Employees called police, but the man ran when he saw them. Authorities were looking for the attacker, described as being in his teens or early 20s.

     It was not clear how the bird made his way to the Burger King, but a Staten Island resident who raises peacocks said he had given some to a person who lives near the restaurant.

Dramatic Chipmunk

June 29, 2007

Anyone Tried These?

     I just took my first taste and they kick in with a Big Mac flavor and then you get the flame broiled aftertaste so they taste just like a Whopper. Weird, but pretty good.

June 27, 2007

Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon

     One of the authors from my movie blog wrote this. And he is damn right.

     I don't usually make threats against people but I have to get this off my chest. If Andrew and Kurt don't have Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (Movie Patron Review) as their DVD pick of the week I am going to find out where exactly they live and I shall TP their houses.

Behind The Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon

     In all serious, my DVD pick for this week (I'm thinking of doing one every week right now) is indeed Behind the Mask. The first thing you should do is go read Andrew's review just so you know I'm not leading you astray, then watch the trailer and finally head out to the store and pick it up today. You won't be disappointed and if you are feel free to come back here and argue with me. I don't think you will feel the need to do that though.

     As a side note: I just have to say how proud I am of myself. I saw someone looking at the DVD in a store at lunch. They put the DVD back but after I told him just how good of movie this really is he decided to buy it.

Whoever You Are...

     Stop sending me text messages. My phone can't display them right now. Don't you read this blog? I've told you before now knock it off!

My Favorite Site of the Week

     Not as good as my movie site, but this is a great concept for a site and it's something Ive touched on my blog before, but this one is almost daily. Nice...

June 20, 2007

LIfe Constantly Gets Better

     $240 to get one's car out of the local impound. Did you know that? Then it's $30 per day that it's in storage.

June 19, 2007

Click Here

     Unbelievable! If you're reading this, you probably have at least some internet experience. The people I deal with on a day to day basis have absolutely ZERO knowledge about the internet. How can one go through life (especially in an office job) these days and have no idea how to put a URL into their address bar at the top of a page? How do you not know that most web addresses have a ".com" following their name? How do you not know what "right-clicking" is? How do you not understand what a browser window is? You can not just type in Sony into the address bar and expect it to magically take you to the contact information for Sony's CEO or the 9600XR HD Television specs. Annoying. People need to spend a little bit of time reading and experimenting on the web. It will take you 10 minutes to get the basics down. Please people, for the love of God, LEARN.

June 18, 2007


     Over the weekend, I got tickets to the Midwest Regional Air Guitar Championships.

What a blast! It was far less serious than I thought; basically just a huge drunk fest. All the contestants were wasted (in fact, the very first guy busted his knee trying to be David Lee Roth and had to be hauled off in an ambulance - ROCK N ROLL!). Most of the people left after the first round and weren't into it, but the ones that stayed were really treated to some fun.

The winner ended up being a chick who could play her air guitar and do backflips at the same time.

Fun stuff. I look forward to hearing about the National championships in NYC later this year and also watch the soon to be released documentary on Air Guitaring called Air Guitar Nation (IMDb). Rock on!

June 13, 2007

If You're Reading This via Facebook, You're Not Reading This

     Just realized that all of these automatically imported blog posts to Facebook don't include images or embedded videos. This may cause a little confusion to readers of this blog through Facebook. So if you are logged into Facebook right now, you can't check out these videoes of a REALLY pissed off cat:

OR the best version of "Video Killed the Radio Star" you've ever seen:

Sucks doesn't it?

More Interesting

     Usually I post just silly stuff. Today I stumbled across this video in regards to subliminal suggestion. We know ads have subliminal messages in them from our Mass Comm. 101 classes right? Well "psychological illusionist" Derren Brown shows a couple of ad execs that the tables can be turned. If this was done in the way it suggests, this is fascinating.

     This kind of thing makes me wonder what kinds of choices all of us make in our daily lives that are affected simply by something we saw or heard (or smelled) earlier in the day. And do these choices affect our lives more significantly than we realize (or DON'T realize to be more accurate)?

Ditched Again

     Yonke and I were supposed to go boating on Sunday but Douty "forgot his phone in the car," so we got ditched. Thanks Momar. Remember those free movie passes I was saving for you? They "fell into the shredder" this morning. Sorry about that.

June 12, 2007

Not the Correct Procedure

The Elevator

     So I took my grandma to the dentist today and got in the elevator at the building. The elevator has no walls. So it's almost like a lift. As you go up the walls move (on three sides) and it seems very dangerous (especially for young kids or pets).

     Anyway, that was my new experience for today. Enjoy your Tuesday.

June 11, 2007

Gay Bomb

     Not sure if these break "the rules" when it comes to chemical warfare, but here's a story about reported types of non-lethal weaponry; investigated then dismissed by the American military.

from BBC:

The US military investigated building a "gay bomb", which would make enemy soldiers "sexually irresistible" to each other, government papers say.

The plan for a so-called "love bomb" envisaged an aphrodisiac chemical that would provoke widespread homosexual behaviour among troops, causing what the military called a "distasteful but completely non-lethal" blow to morale.

Scientists also reportedly considered a "sting me/attack me" chemical weapon to attract swarms of enraged wasps or angry rats towards enemy troops.

A substance to make the skin unbearably sensitive to sunlight was also pondered.

Another idea was to develop a chemical causing "severe and lasting halitosis", so that enemy forces would be obvious even when they tried to blend in with civilians.

In a variation on that idea, researchers pondered a "Who? Me?" bomb, which would simulate flatulence in enemy ranks.

Indeed, a "Who? Me?" device had been under consideration since 1945, the government papers say.

However, researchers concluded that the premise for such a device was fatally flawed because "people in many areas of the world do not find faecal odour offensive, since they smell it on a regular basis".

Brilliant ideas; all of them.

June 08, 2007

Post It

     My new set of post-it notes arrived at work today. I am now freshly supplied. But how cool is it that thay actually came on their own pallette? I took a picture to remember this. not even sure I want to open them.

June 07, 2007


Nice Shirt, Dingleberry

     When I get evicted from my apartment, this will totally be me (minus the lame clothing style)...

I Heart the Mpls. Star Trib (not really)

     Today's front page article just under the fold:

"In Iraq: Rancor is Paralyzing the Government"

Man do I feel bad for those guys. Where's Luke Skywalker when you need him? Still, check out our boys in action who show no fear against such a ferocious creature.

I feel so much safer.

May 31, 2007

Welcome to Hurricane Season Morons

     Back when Katrina occurred, I took a lot of flak from friends regarding my cold shoulder in a blog post I made about how I had little sympathy for most of the people in New Orleans who were warned well ahead of time to get out, but made it very clear they were going to stay and stick it out. I lightened up a bit after a day or two, but still: before Katrina hit, I saw interview after interview on CNN with people saying things like, "we've stuck it through hurricanes before, why leave for this one?" Despite the fact that predictions for a cat 5 hurricane were to hit head on into the city. Others turned up their noses even further. "Leave? Hell no, we're gonna have a hurricane party like we always do." So I'm sorry, if there's a cat 5 hurricane coming straight at your house and you decide to stay and have a few beers, you deserve to be flooded.

     So now comes the news this year, that people in Florida have those exact same thoughts and statements to make this year. Here are excerpts from the article at

Most people along the Atlantic and Gulf Coasts still lack a hurricane survival plan and don't feel vulnerable to storms, despite Katrina's dramatic damage and pleas from emergency officials for residents to prepare before the season starts, according to a poll released Thursday.

The six-month Atlantic season starts Friday, and forecasters have predicted an above-average year: with three to five hurricanes of at least Category 3 strength.

Nevertheless, 53 percent of those surveyed in 18 Atlantic and Gulf Coast states say they don't feel that they are vulnerable to a hurricane, or to related tornadoes and flooding, according to the Mason-Dixon poll.

Eighty-eight percent said they had not taken any steps to fortify their homes, and 45 percent still believed the old wives' tale that masking tape helps keeps windows from shattering during hurricanes.

But only a small amount of people, 16 percent, said they would defy orders to evacuate. Cathy Miller, who lives on North Carolina's narrow Ocracoke Island, accessible only by ferry, is one of them. "I've never evacuated," Miller said. "Every time I say that, though, I knock on wood."

     So THIS year, when these people are stranded on their rooftops complaining that the federal government should be bailing them out (literally and figuratively), maybe some of us will think twice about screaming bloody murder to the president. Despite the fact that these people HAVE BEEN WARNED, but ignore those warnings and defy evacuation orders. I'm going on record now, showing what these people are like, so I don't have to defend myself come August when we get reports that a 42 year old single man left his insulin in his house when he evacuated to his rooftop after the house flooded. I'll be saying, tough.


May 26, 2007


     Copletely forgot to mention this. In last week's Filmspotting show from Chicago Public Radio, Adam and Sam read my entire long winded letter about 28 Weeks Later. Nice. It was in episode #161 at the 26:50 mark and you can catch download their past shows at or on iTunes.


May 25, 2007

Happy Birthday Star Wars

     Stop by the MoviePatron Blog today and leave your thoughts on anything Star Wars related. TODAY ONLY, we're accepting anyone to join our ranks of writers and post their very own blog about anything Star Wars related: memories, top ten lists, favorite moments, links, fun stuff and images.

     See the top post on the blog for more details, rules and simple instructions. See you there.

Happy Birthday Star Wars and may the force be with all of you...


May 24, 2007

I'm Annoyed

     None of my co-workers watched Lost last night. They're all watching it tonight when they get home. I'm dying to discuss it and there is NO ONE here to talk with about it. And frustration sets in.


Lost Season Finale Review (spoiler-free)

     My jaw is still on the floor.

- Charlie is cooler than I thought.
- Poor hugo
- Of all the possible scenarios that ran through my head all week, this ending was the furthest from my mind. Amazingly well thought out.
- Ben is a smart mother-trucker.


Why I Don't Discuss Politics Anymore

     Because ultra-liberals can't handle it. I've actually lost "friends" over political debates before because they can't handle healthy discussion without getting angry and worked up and literally either giving me the silent treatment or getting so worked up that they storm off.

The story goes like this...

     I'm on facebook and someone on my friends' list posts a YouTube video of Rosie O'Donnel (et al.) on "The View" having an interesting debate with conservative Elizabeth Hasselbeck about how terrible/good GW Bush is. The conversation went like this (almost word for word) in the comments section...

Me: This video should be re-titled to "A Bunch of Reasons Why Elizabeth is Awesome."
Friend: Actually, I think she's a stupid bitch.

(classy, thought provoking comeback right?)

Me: Only because you have a differing viewpoint than you. She sits daily in front of an incredibly aggressive audience (and country and panel) that attacks her daily and she speaks her mind. I think she's got courage and guts and is far from stupid. "Stupid" is not a characteristic I associate with anyone who graduates from BC in less than 4 years.
Friend: 650,000 dead. She's a republican. End of story.
Me: So you're saying that because she's pro-life, wants to lower taxes and spending and supports fighting terror with force as opposed to ignoring it, she's partly responible for the death of 650,000 (a debatable and not altogether truthful number) people?

     So then I wait. No response. No response. No response. I check my list of friends to go to his/her page and they're gone and have blocked me from their profile! Unbelievable! A nice little debate that turns south for no reason and I've lost another "friend." I write a letter to this person: "Wow. Unbelievable. Did you seriously remove me from your friends list because you couldn't handle a friendly little debate about Elizabeth Hasselbeck? You've proved the exact definition of liberal tolerance with one swift keystroke." I have yet to receive any kind of response; nor do I expect to.


May 22, 2007

Newest Guitar Hero (80's Edition)

     More tracks released today:

"I Wanna Rock" - Twisted Sister
"I Ran (So Far Away)" - A Flock of Seagulls
"Round and Round" - Ratt
"I Want Candy" - Bow Wow Wow
"Metal Health" - Quiet Riot
"Holy Diver" - Dio
"Heat of the Moment" - Asia

"18 and Life" - Skid Row
"Bathroom Wall" - Faster Pussycat
"Lonely is the Night" - Billy Squier
"Nothing But a Good Time" - Poison
"Play With Me" - Extreme
"Shakin'" - Eddie Money
"Synchronicity II" - The Police


Holy SHIT is that a Close Call!

     I don't think the pilot meant to get that close to the ground. You can hear the announcer stop his words in their tracks as disaster almost (and that's an understatement) almost occurs.


May 21, 2007

Plans for Tonight

     I'm going to watch Die Hard.


May 17, 2007

Nice Boycott Assholes

     For any of you taken in by the whole, "don't buy gas on the 15th" thing: nice job. What happened? Gas prices went up. Wow, that seemed to work almost as well as it did the first fifteen times we've tried that. Instead you used up my time and bandwidth with your silly emails about a totally thoughtless boycott.

Instead, why don't you try getting rid of your needless SUVs and think about maybe driving a little less? Now isn't that a remarakable idea instead of blaming Clinton and Bush for not ratifying the Kyoto Protocol?


May 09, 2007

I Didn't Get Much Sleep

     Went to bed at a decent tim last night (for the first time in about 2 weeks). Yet I was treated to my upstairs neighbors' sexual activity at 5AM! From then on, I was sort of in and out of consciousness until my alarm went off at 8:05. Why can't you have sex at a normal time like everyone else? Who the hell wakes up at 5am to have sex? No one except the people that devil helped move in above me to deprive me of sleep.


May 07, 2007

I'm So Done with Myspace

     Ok, not really. But for the most part, yes. In the last three days I have gotten over 25 friend requests and/or personal messages from web cam whores. It used to be once or twice a day, now it's more like 8 or 9 per day and I'm sick of it. Not to mention it sometimes takes hours to load up some people's profiles with the ridiculous amount of crap they post (youtube videos, sparkling pictures, widgets and sound bites). It's overwhelming and frankly ugly as hell; but mostly just annoying. I'll still use myspace to check in once in a while and also for my movie site updates and bulletins.

     Not that anyone actually reads this blog, but if you'd like to catch up with me, I'll be wasting my time over on FaceBook from now on. See you there.


May 01, 2007

Damage Control

     A few days ago I posted about my open letter to the local cinema. Here is their generic, cut and paste response. I know it's cut and paste because it mentions things I said that were never in my letter; like the reference to the snack bar. This only pisses me off further. I'll be seeing Spiderman 3, Thursday night, at the OTHER theater...

Dear Mr. Bird:

Thank you for contacting our corporate office to express your concerns regarding your visit to our Eagan Stadium 16 location. I have forwarded your comments to the district manager directly over this theatre and the theatre manager for their review.

I am sorry to hear that you think our snack bar and/or ticket prices are too high. From a business perspective, our goal is to provide our patrons with a quality movie going experience while making a profit at the same time.

I hope you will understand that there are tremendous costs associated with the operation and maintenance of a theatre. Not only do we have high operating costs (payroll, utilities, rent, equipment, etc.), but we must also pay costly film rentals to the film companies. Although prices inside a theatre may seem high, they have stayed in line with the rate of inflation. A recent report shows that the cost of movie admission remains much below the admission to a sporting event or amusement park.

Once again, I thank you for taking the time to contact us regarding your feelings on this matter. Your input is invaluable to us in our efforts to continually improve customer service and enhance the operations of our theatre operations. We value your patronage and look forward to your next visit.

Teresa Welsh

Thank you for your bullshit answer, Ms. Computer... er... Welsh. You should be a politician.


Horse-shit Item of the Day

     From and the AAP, women drivers are better and safer than men. I don't believe the results of these studies for a moment.

The statistics, based on a telephone survey of 2384 drivers and AAMI claims data collected last year, revealed that men are more likely to act aggressively behind the wheel.

The study found that 47 per cent of men and 38 per cent of women have rudely gestured at other drivers.

And 84 per cent of men have crashed their vehicle, compared to 77 per cent of women.

“Our claims data shows that men's crashes tend to be more serious than women’s,” AAMI spokesman Geoff Hughes said.

“They are more likely to be involved in head-on collisions, roll-overs and loss-of-control crashes, as well as crashes involving pedestrians, cyclists and animals.”

Sure, 84% of men have crashed their car. That's probably because some old lady cut them off and forced them off the road. And men's crashes are "more serious than women's" because men are not scared of the freeway while women take the 45mph side roads.

It isn't until way later in the article before they finally admit:

Women are more likely to be involved in relatively minor crashes such as reversing into stationary objects.

The female brain is not as good at spatial relationships, so it is not surprising that they strike stationery objects more frequently than men.

"Reversing into stationary objects?" So yes, men get angry and are more aggressive and end up dying. Women just do stupid, small things that distract us, like look pretty and run over fire hydrants and cats.


April 28, 2007


     Lots of harsh language, but for a Lebowski/He-Man fan, this is priceless:


April 26, 2007

Funny Thing, Capitalism

     Less than a year ago, if you'd asked me my least favorite theater, I'd've told you AMC theaters at Southdale. It wouldn't even have been a question. The stories I could tell you about just about every experience I had at that theater are ridiculous. You wouldn't BELIEVE the crap that theater tried to pull over on me. Actually, to be fair, when I really hated them, they weren't AMC. They were Megastar or some such nonsense.

     Since AMC took over, they've really cleaned up their act and gotten a lot better. Still, it's a little further than I normally like to drive, so I don't go there much unless I'm meeting a friend or something. Normally I head over to the Regal cinema which is less than five miles from my house. I have a club card there and get free stuff from time to time. It's also generally not too busy and it's a decent cinema with the amenities of a state of the art theater.

     Now, in 2006 I saw 97 movies in theaters and I'm on pace to top that in 2007. So you can imagine how dismayed I was to find that Regal upped their ticket prices by $0.75 to a price of $9.25 per ticket. Doesn't seem like much, but if you consider that'll cost me close to $75 over the year, it's kind of a big deal. But whatever; I just figure it's inflation and that how things work.

     That all changed for me this evening. I met a friend for a movie at AMC theaters. I was surprised to learn that my ticket only cost $6. Apparently that is now the standard price for all movies on Mon-Thurs at their theater. I remarked on this and the usher also told me that includes Thursday night midnight showings (even though it's technically Friday). So that clinches it for me. I'm willing to drive the extra five miles to pay over $3 less per movie. That's a savings of over $300 per year!

     So I get home to send a message to Regal that I'm not going to their theater anymore thanks to AMC's new pricing policy. I'm sure they'll offer me free shit... nice. I then travel over to AMC website to say thanks and I learn some more great news. On the first screening of every movie on Sat and Sundays, tickets are only $5. Cool, since I go to a lot of Saturday matinees on the year anyway. Next I also find that they are part of what they call "AMC select," which will begin playing "less than mainstream" movies. In other words, I won't have to drive downtown to the arthouse and pay for parking to see films like the upcoming Jindabyne or Fay Grim. AMC could very well have them.

     Moral of the story: because of competition and free market (i.e. capitalism), I now will save a ton of time and money on movies by going to a theater that less than a year ago I would not have stepped foot in.

End of happy day.


Let the Fun Begin

     Since I got my speakers going, I thought I'd celbrate by embedding the first YouTube video I came across. A bunch of idiots on a Japanese Game Show. Say the tongue twister or face the consequences. I would not play this game...



     After a year of trial and tribulation, I finally have my speakers at work rolling. The office is a rockin, don't come a knockin'. I feel SO good. I can now watch YouTube vids while the boss is away! (Chris, don't read that last sentence).


Spinal Tap is Back!

reprinted from

     Live Earth - the energy-gulping series of global concerts that will slurp electricity and dump waste in order to teach the world that energy gulping, electricity slurping and waste dumping is killing the planet - has just signed up Spinal Tap.

Yes, that Spinal Tap - the deliberately bad spoof 1980s metal band from legendary mockumentary This Is Spinal Tap - are the latest group to be added to the Live Earth Wembley line-up; a line-up that's already packed with planet-saving, sales-increasing artists like Madonna, Paulo Nutini, Keane, Razorlight, Corinne Bailey Rae and James Blunt. So at least it's good to see that the pretend heavy metal group made up of a Lord and Ned Flanders from The Simpsons have given Live Earth a little bit of credibility at last.

We've been told that the Wembley leg of the Al Gore-announced Live Earth concerts could have sold out five times over; which, to our calculations, means that we completely underestimated the amount of foolish idiots who don't realise that paying £55 to drive to a huge sports stadium in their cars only to eat and drink overpriced refreshments from a mountain of disposable containers and bleat smugly to themselves that climate change is really important in between Snow Patrol songs might just be a teensy bit hypocritical.

So far, though, Live Earth has been warmly received by eco-friendly popstars like Madonna and James Blunt - people who respectively throw away toilet seats after they've shat through them once and buy entire mountains when the mood takes them - but the response to Live Earth hasn't been so warm everywhere.

For instance, Live Earth wanted to use the most preposterous rock band ever on the Wembley date. However, Muse said no, so Live Earth roped in Spinal Tap instead. Even though Spinal Tap don't actually exist. This Is Spinal Tap director Rob Reiner has been speaking about how much Spinal Tap know about climate change:

"They're not that environmentally conscious, but they've heard of global warming. Nigel thought it was just because he was wearing too much clothing—that if he just took his jacket off it would be cooler."


And in Slightly Happier News...



April 24, 2007

An Even LONGER Post

     My last longest post was some lyrics from a "Weird" Al Yankovic song called "Stuck in the Drive-Through." Here is an even longer song by Mr. Yankovic entitled "Albuquerque" from the album Running with Scissors. Why am I posting this? Because it's my blog and I can; plus it's a funny song and I like it!


Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the
stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the
street from Jerry's Bait Shop... You know the place... Well anyway,
back then life was going swell and everything was juuuuust peachy...
except of course for the undeniable fact that every single morning my
mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast.
Dawww!! Big bowl of sauerkraut!
Every single mornin'! It was driving me crazy.

I said to my mom, I said, "Hey, mom, what's up with all the sauerkraut?"
And my dear, sweet mother, she just looked at me like a cow looks at an
oncoming train. And she leaned right down next to me, and she said, "IT'S
GOOD FOR YOU!" And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my
mouth and force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was 26 and a half
years old.

That's when I swore that someday, someday I would get outta that
basement and travel to a magical, far away place, where the sun is
always shining and the air smells like warm root beer, and the towels
are oh so fluffy! Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles
all day long, and anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for
a nickel!

Wacka wacka, doo doo, yeah!

Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream
came true. Because the very next day, a local radio station had this
contest to see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in
Leonard Nimoy's butt. I was off by three, but I still won the grand
prize. That's right, a first class, one-way ticket...

to Albuquerque!

Oh yeah. You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before, and I gotta
tell ya, it was really great... except that I had to sit between two large
Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor. And the little kid in
back of me kept throwin' up the whole time. The flight attendants ran out of
Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts, and the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with
Pauly Shore...and, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out, and we
went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside and the plane exploded in a
giant fireball and everybody died. Except for me. You know why?

'Cause I had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position

Ah-ha-ha-ha. Ah-ha-ha. Aahhh. So I crawled from the twisted, burnin'
wreckage, I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days, draggin'
along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag and my tenor saxophone
and my 12-pound bowlin' ball and my lucky, lucky autographed
glow-in-the-dark snorkel. But finally I arrived at the world famous
Albuquerque Holiday Inn where the towels are oh so fluffy! And you can
eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna. It's OK, they're

Well, I checked into my room, and I turned down the A/C, and I turned
on the SpectraVision, and I'm just about to eat that little chocolate
mint on my pillow that I love so very, very much, when suddenly there's
a knock on the door. Well, now, who could that be?

I say, "Who is it?" No answer.
"Who is it?" There's no answer.
"WHO IS IT!?" They're not sayin' anything.
So finally, I go over and I open the door, and just as I suspected,
it's some big, fat hermaphrodite with a flock of seagulls, haircut, and
only one nostril. Oh, man, I hate it when I'm right.

So, anyway, he bursts into my room, and he grabs my lucky snorkel, and
I'm like, "Hey, you can't have that! That snorkel's been just like a
snorkel to me."

And he's like, "Tough!"
And I'm like, "Give it!"
And he's like, "Make me!"
And I'm like, "'kay!"
So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus, and I bit off his ear
and he chewed off my eyebrows, and I took out his appendix and he gave
a colonic irrigation, yes indeed, you better believe it. And somehow in
the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook. And twenty
seconds later, I heard a familiar voice. And you know what it said?
I'll tell ya what it said!

It said, "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.
If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator.
If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.
If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator."

In Albuquerque!

Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel. But I
made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest, I would
not sleep for an instant, until the one-nostrilled man was brought to

But first, I decided to buy some donuts. So I got in my car, and I
drove over to the donut shop, and I walked on up to the guy behind the
counter and he says, "Yeah, whaddaya want??"

I said, "You got any glazed donuts?"
He said, "Nah, we're outta glazed donuts."
I say, "Well, you got any jelly donuts?"
He said, "No, we're outta jelly donuts."
I said, "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"
He said, "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts."
I said, "You got any cinnamon rolls?"
[ Lyrics found on ]

He said, "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls!"
I said, "You got any apple fritters?"
He said, "No, we're outta apple fritters!"
I said, "You got any bear claws?"
He said, "Wait a minute, I'll go check."

"No, we're outta bear claws!"
I said, "Well, in that case... in that case, what do you have?"
He says, "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving crazed weasels."
I said, "OK, I'll take that."
So he hands me the box, and I open up the lid, and the weasels jump out
and they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over.
Oh, man, they were just goin' nuts! They were tearin' me apart! You
know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started
goin' through my head. I believe it went a little somethin' like this:

DOH! Get 'em off me! Get 'em off me! Ohhh! No, get 'em off, get 'em
off! Oh, oh God, oh God! Oh, get 'em off me! Oh, oh God! Ah,

I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my
face, wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin' like
a constipated wiener dog. And as luck would have it, that's exactly
when I ran into the girl of my dreams. Her name was Zelda. She was a
caligraphy enthusiast, with a slight overbite, and hair the color of
strained peaches. I'll never forget the very first thing she said to
me. She said, "Hey, you've got weasels on your face."

That's when I knew it was true love. We were inseparable after that.
Aw, we ate together, we bathed together, we even shared the same piece
of mint-flavored dental floss. The world was our burrito. So we got
married, and we bought us a house and had two beautiful children,
Nathaniel and Superfly. Oh we were so very, very, very happy, oh yeah.
But then, one fateful night, Zelda said to me, she said, "Sweetie
pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?" I said, "Woah!
Hold on now, baby! I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment!"

So we broke up, and I never saw her again
but that's just the way things go

In Albuquerque!

Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me, because about a week
later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream. That's right, I got me a
part-time job at the Sizzler! I even made employee of the month after I
put out that grease fire with my face. Aw yeah, everybody was pretty
jealous of me after that. I was gettin' a lot of attitude.

OK, like one time, I was out in the parkin' lot, tryin' to remove my excess
earwax with a golf pencil, when I see this guy Marty
tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself. So I-I say to
him, I say, "Hey, you want me to help you with that?" And
Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes, "No, I want you
to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw!" So I did.

And then he gets all indignant on me. He's like, "Hey, man, I was just
being sarcastic!" Well, that's just great. How was I supposed to know
that? I'm not a mind reader, for cryin' out loud. Besides, now he's got
a really cute nickname - Torso-Boy! So what's he complaining about?

Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote. This guy comes up to
me on the street and he tells me he hasn't had a bite in three days.
Well, I knew what he meant, but just to be funny, I took a big bite out
of his jugular vein. And he's yelling and screaming and bleeding all
over, and I'm like, "Hey, come on, don'tcha get it?" But he just keeps
rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding and screaming, "Aaaahhhh!
AaaaahhhhOhhhhh! Aaaaahhhh!" You know, completely missing the irony of
the whole situation. Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?

Anyway, was I? Kinda lost my train of thought.

Uh, well, uh, OK, anyway, I-I know it's kind of a roundabout way of
saying it, but, I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is...

That's all I'm really tryin' to say. And, by the way,
if one day you happen to wake up and find yourself in an existential
quandry, full of loathing and self-doubt and wracked with the pain and
isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence, at least you can take
a small bit of comfort in knowing that somewhere out there in this
crazy ol' mixed-up universe of ours, there's still a little place

called Albuquerque!
Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)
Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)
Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)
Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)

I said A! (A!)
L! (L!)
B! (B!)
U! (U!)
.... querque! (querque!)

(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)
(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)
(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)
(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)
heh heh heh heh


April 20, 2007

Another Defeat

     New bar, new questions, new adversaries, same $100 cash prize, same result: loss. Movie trivia league play starts in June if anyone knows anything about movies and wants to win some big bucks.


Welcome to Friday


From the film, Yo-Yo Girl Cop:


April 19, 2007

Speaking of Guitar Hero

     Playing "Guitar Hero" while intoxicated is difficult.


April 18, 2007

Detecting Planets

     I was reading today at that scientists have figured out a way to photograph earth like planets in other solar systems that are light years away. Until now, we couldn't shoot them because of the scattering of light from their parent star (or sun), minor imperfections in our telescopes and various other factors.

     Scientists have now developed the technology to overcome these obstacles in the form of a chronograph. "It works and it's ready to go," said one senior research assistant. Theoretically, it could be put aboard a spacecraft today and start working asap. They are hoping for it to go aboard the Terrestrial Planet Finder, but unfortunately there's no launch date yet for lack of funding.

     This bugs me. With all the money our government and our private citizens spend on pointless crap, we can't afford to launch a probe that could detect AND take pictures of earth-like planets that could eventually lead to finding life elsewhere in our galaxy. Even with Bush's speech about funding and space exploration, I think everyone's far too caught up in the Mars exploratory committee. Which is important and interesting as well, but I think this is more important and far more interesting.

Just my $.02 though.


Rock Out - 80's Style

     Rumor has it that the next installment of the popular video game, Guitar Hero, is well on the way for a release date sometime in June. An addicting game, GH 1 & 2 have become huge staples in the video game industry. The new sequel, with a Guitar Hero 3 to soon follow, will feature all 80's tracks, downloadable songs and an online multi-player feature. June? Yeah, like in two months. Keep on rockin in the free world!


April 15, 2007

Best Movies of the Last 12 Months

     Because I have a movie web site, I don't take the time to post movie related items on this blog. And since I just saw the best film of 2007 so far, here are, in no particular order, the best films I've seen in the past 12 months. They weren't necessarily released in that time, in fact some are fairly old, but I saw them for the first time recently.

Links are provided if I happened to write a review for the title...

The Wind that Shakes the Barley
United 93
Little Children
Funky Forest
Half Nelson
Spring, Summer, Winter, Fall and Spring
Cinema Paradiso
Children of Men
Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon
Grindhouse: Planet Terror and Death Proof
Black Snake Moan
Sympathy for Mr Vengeance
Rear Window
The Proposition
The Queen
Sex and Lucia
Last king of Scotland
The New World
Raise the Red Lantern
Amores Perros

Check em out.


April 13, 2007

We're Talkin' Baseball

     The new Twins stadium, artists' conception drawing were unveiled yesterday. Um... I don't know about you, but I'll be there opening day.

Click images for larger version...